Plotting a Waiters’ Union Rebellion, Students Draft Dining Hall Declaration

COURTESY TO DEERFIELD COMMUNICATIONS

In the Brick, revolution stirs. Hordes of angry first and second waiters protest around the dining hall. Our insiders report that waiters have grown tired of exploitative working conditions in which they are constantly late for class, and no understanding is given. 

Many teachers and students are asking the same question: why now? 

The simmering dissent of the waiters has been unleashed thanks to the Liberal Arts education that Deerfield supplies. APUSH students have found themselves indoctrinated with dangerous and revolutionary tendencies. Perhaps they should focus more on the AP than their silly protest. 

Of course, there exists another group of revolutionaries: Euro students. Having recently studied Marx and Engels, they believe it is time for a change, demanding that the ruling class be overtaken by the students. 

On Tuesday night, the two revolutionary groups joined forces, drafting their list of demands: 

The Declaration of the Waiters

When in the course of dining hall events, one group of students is forced to set tables, fetch food, refill water, and arrive late to class, it becomes necessary to declare rebellion.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all waiters are created tired, that they are endowed by Deerfield with certain unalienable duties, and that among these are plates, pitchers, and the pursuit of missing forks.

The history of the dining hall is a history of repeated injuries. It has made first waiters carry impossible trays. It has made second waiters scrape mystery food from abandoned plates. It has allowed seated students to ask, “Can you get one more thing?” after the waiter has finally sat down.

We, therefore, declare that waiters are free and independent students.

Waiters of the Brick, unite. You have nothing to lose but your lunch block.

The revolution ended once a new rotation was announced.